As I grew up everyone always said what a good boy I was, this then turned into “Paul you’re such a nice guy”. I helped others. I was accommodating. I was a good listener. I didn’t rock the boat. I followed the rules. I got along with everyone.

By my twenties I really thought I’d grew up into a good man who was doing it all correctly. Married, got a house, started a business, great group of friends and liked by everyone.

Then the plot twist of my life I never saw coming. Divorce, depression, debts and very much hitting rock bottom.

At some point in 2018/19 amongst the endless blogs, books and podcasts I read to try and get to the bottom of where the heck I'd gone wrong, I came across this idea about nice guys.

There was this article that compared the behaviours of nice guys vs good men. I was intrigued, perhaps like you are too, I mean surely nice guys are just ‘nice’ right? Perhaps nothing to shout about but surely nothing sinister or problematic right?

It was a sobering read. As I went through the comparisons I kept seeing myself in the nice guy category - and I could see how in comparison to the good man behaviour, I was falling short of the man I wanted to be.

Nice guys and good men are very different. Below is my version of that list. Before you read it, I want you to know if you see yourself in the nice guy traits and behaviours below, that doesn’t make you a bad person nor are you stuck as a nice guy forever.

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A nice guy will tell a white lie to avoid an argument or difficult conversation. 

A good man will tell the truth even when he suspects it might not be received well or lead to possible confrontation.

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A nice guy agrees to plans he doesn’t really want to say yes to just to avoid disappointing others. 

A good man will politely decline invitations that he does not intend to follow through with.

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A nice guy seeks to score points and carry favour by doing things for other people.

A good man shows up to support others with nothing expected in return (unless otherwise overtly agreed by both parties).

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A nice guy avoids conflict by staying quiet when something bothers him only to then complain about, hold a grudge and resent what happened.

A good man is upfront and addresses issues directly whilst also explains any emotional impact the situation has had so the air is clear to move forward.

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A nice guy will change who he is and what he believes if it means fitting in or getting approval.

A good man knows himself and stays true to what he believes even if it means losing favour with some people.

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A nice guy tries to make everyone else happy often at the expense of his own needs, which he says is OK but secretly builds up resentment within him.

A good man treats people with respect and kindness offering support where he can but ensuring that his needs are also adequately prioritised as well.

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A nice guy overcompensates by giving too much or trying too hard, hoping it will earn him love or acceptance.

A good man knows his worth and doesn't feel the need to over-deliver to prove he deserves connection or appreciation.

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A nice guy apologises to keep the peace and lets things slide to avoid arguments.

A good man apologises when he falls short of his own standards or sees he’s done wrong while also holding others accountable as well.

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A nice guy avoids expressing his true feelings so not to rock the boat and has likely done so for so long he is numb and often doesn’t really feel things like he knows he could.

A good man does his best to communicate what is going on for him and has learned to be with his emotions including opening up to select people.

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A nice guy is passive and avoids taking a stand in case he offends someone.

A good man stands up for what he believes in, irrespective of what people might think, as best he can he seeks to do the right thing.

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 A nice guy avoids asking for what he wants because he fears rejection and doesn't want to feel vulnerable.

A good man takes the risk of being vulnerable by expressing his needs and desires, understanding that rejection is a part of life and doesn't diminish his worth. 

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A nice guy constantly looks for validation and approval from others to feel good about himself.

A good man builds his self-esteem from within, valuing his own opinions and self-respect over external approval.

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A nice guy avoids making tough decisions because he doesn't want to upset anyone or take the blame if things go wrong.

A good man makes decisions based on his values and takes responsibility for the outcomes, whether they’re good or bad.

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If you’re reading this and you see lots of yourself in the nice guy, I want you to know that is a big step. It says to me, like I was, you’re open and wanting to change.

Take some time perhaps to read that list again, it’s really helpful to bring awareness to the difference between your current behaviours and the ones that you want move towards.

As you go about your day, start to notice when you fall into these nice guy behaviours. Don’t beat yourself up about it, just notice them. This is the next big step, just bringing awareness to your behaviours.

I’m going to stop this post here, because the next step I can recommend and the one I took, was buying a book called No More Mr Nice Guy.

This book lays out a roadmap for you to break free from the nice guy persona and get the life you really want.

I love this book and highly recommend it to anyone who sees themselves in the nice guy list above. I love it so much I’ve read it three times and am now running a book club for it...

The Good Men Book Club starts 30th January 2025 and over 8 weeks we will be exploring the ideas in No More Mr Nice Guy.

If you're looking for a space where you can get support on this journey from nice guy to good man, click below for full details about the book club.

The Good Men Book Club

If you have any questions about the book club or this post drop me an email to [email protected] 

Paul