As a child I was a worrier, scared of the dark, had separation anxiety, feared failure, had toilet anxiety, felt like an imposter and found ways to cope with the seemingly odd world.

And I coped pretty well, I learned to hide my 'odd' behaviours like playing with labels. I learned how to act happy. I learned how to cope through things like planning, worrying and trying to be perfect.

As I grew up none of this changed - in fact I just got better at coping, numbing and avoiding discomfort. Oh and of course hiding all this from everyone, I believed something was odd about my behaviours and the idea of someone knowing was just not something I could entertain.

At 25 I started my own business as a freelance marketer - whilst it was my dream it also put all my overthinking, worrying and living fear into overdrive.

The money worries, stress, pressure and need to succeed just made things worse. It was around this time that I found the self help world - it seemed to promise that if I just worked hard enough and implemented some strategies I would be a success and enjoy my life.

Some of those strategies helped a bit - but the effects never lasted. I was in a loop of coping, numbing and suffering which was getting worse and worse.

I just thought I was getting life wrong. I believed I must be missing something or perhaps I was just a bit broken somehow.

From the years of living like this I developed physical symptoms such as a lump in my throat, feeling sick and hungry at the same time, eye twitches, rashes and full ears. The worrying also developed into severe anxiety, panic attacks and OCD.

The future looked more and more scary to me. All my planning was at best a plaster that gave me just enough relief that if bad things happened I'd be OK.

I numbed my way through so many parts of the day; endlessly working, comfort eating and zoning out to TV.

I was exhausted, burnt out and depressed.

I was checking out of life and my relationship. I was avoiding social situations and the ones I went to I wasn't really present or able to enjoy them.

I was a shadow of my former self, deeply depressed and felt like a failure.

All this took its toll and in 2017 my life imploded...

My wife came home one Sunday and told me "I don't love you anymore" and within a few months we separated - I left Christmas eve 2017 to stay with family.

I spent the next couple of years just feeling lost. I worked 12-14 hour days to escape from life, whilst projecting an amazing digital nomad type lifestyle on Instagram.

My rock bottom moments...

• Asking my mum if I could spend the last £20 in my bank account on food.
• Crying my eyes out to a trainee coach saying "I don't know who I am"
• Telling a friend "I can't listen to my heart, it's broken".

I was in pure survival mode.

I was losing hope.

WAS.

I was those things.

I am not anymore.

Skip forward to 2025 and I am the happiest I ever have been - living the life I always wanted.

My day to day life is so much more peaceful, enjoyable and full of possibilities.

Do I still worry at times? Yes.

Do I still overthink some things? Yes.

Do I still have 'off' days? Yes.

And yet, so much of what I once struggled with just isn't an issue like it was. I'm so much more able to deal with the inevitable ups and downs in life.

What changed? What made this transformation possible? 

Going through a divorce and watching my life turn upside down forced me to face some hard truths. I knew I had to change, but I didn’t know how. When everything crumbles around you, there comes a point where you let go of your ego, start to take responsibility for where you are and open up to different ways of doing things. I realised I had been living on autopilot (not fully present, stuck in patterns and disconnected from my true self) for most of my life  - and if I wanted to break the cycle, I had to be willing to explore new paths, no matter how uncomfortable.

From 2018 onwards, I was on a truly life-changing journey. I was still struggling and coping at that time, but I took small, intentional steps toward change. One of the first, and most impactful, was going on dog walks with my headphones in, but with nothing playing. Instead, I simply noticed my thoughts. I didn’t know it then, but this was the beginning of developing self-awareness. I also began to stop watching the news, changed my diet, read different books (not just ones about making money), listened to podcasts and got back into fitness - even though they were small, each action started a ripple effect in my life that would grow.

These small shifts set the stage for a deeper transformation when in 2020 I began working behind the scenes for an incredible transformational coach, John El-Mokadem. I also learned from other teachers, coaches, yogis and experts as well - some through working for them, others by reading their books and some just by following their content on social media. All of this was the turning point that opened me up to self-exploration. What followed was a journey of exploring the assumptions and stories I held about myself and life.  I came to see that so many of these stories were just limitations. I saw that many of the assumptions I held were just wrong. Through questioning them as thought experiments and in real life experiments - I started to dissolve, let go of or replace these ideas. As I did I naturally then started to show up in life different.

The way I think about this is rather than trying to change the surface level behaviours, this approach gets you exploring the root causes that lead to those behaviours. The root cause are those assumptions and stories that we all picked up as we grew up. By changing these ideas how you then naturally show up in the world then shifts - no technique needed to keep the behaviour or coping mechanism, just a deep profound transformation. I saw the power of this approach to change and was hooked - after 10 years of trying to create change, there was a real relief and sense of possibility from this approach.

The root causes are those deep seated (often unconscious) assumptions and stories we pick up as we grow. By challenging and changing these root level beliefs, how I showed up in the world began to shift naturally - without needing techniques to maintain the change. I saw the power of this approach to real, lasting change and for the first time in years, I felt a sense of relief and possibility. After a decade of trying to change without success, this felt like something deeply different.

What this looked like in practice was a combination of... learning new ideas about life from different teachers, practicing self awareness (noticing the thoughts in your head), journaling, pondering the ideas I learned, conversations with people about all of this and the most important one running real life experiments to apply and implement what I learned. These experiments were key to take the 'wisdom' I was hearing and see what I made of it in my own life. 

While I worked behind the scenes for coaches and teachers I was learning from, I wanted to keep it professional so did not ask for help myself directly. This forced me to look for answers on my own, which, while challenging, ended up being one of the most rewarding aspects of my journey. By applying the wisdom I was learning to my own life, I gained insights and lessons that were uniquely mine - each one shaping my transformation in ways I couldn’t have predicted.

It wasn’t always easy or comfortable, but I’ve learned that deep transformation rarely is. And yet, looking back, it’s clear that this path has led me to a profound sense of peace, freedom, and joy - things I had for so long wanted to experience yet always felt out of reach for me. This journey continues to unfold for me as it does for us all. We are all always learning, growing and evolving. It’s challenging, yes, but it’s also the most rewarding and important work I've done in my life.

Transformations this journey has helped me experience...

• Anxious To Effortless - all my physical symptoms went, I no longer lived in fear, no more panic attacks and no more endless worrying. There is a relief and joy at the experience of inner peace that I now have most of the time.
• Nice Guy To Good Man - I've become the confident, kind and proactive good man that I always knew was within me all along. This version is courageous, understanding and making a real difference in the world. I love him!
• Enjoying Life - I used to be depressed and just removed from life, whilst also desperate to know how other people lived with so much joy. Now, I'm living that more and more each day of my life.
• Soulful Success - rather than chasing money and adoration I now move in directions that feel deeply aligned in my soul and bring so much more meaning, peace and joy to my life.

I love this whole world of self exploration and discovery, it truly is life changing. I love getting to share my journey and create resources based on my lived experience. Not only does it bring me joy that I can help people on their own journey the process of sharing or creating something is a big part of my own learning process as well.

Although this journey of self exploration and discovery is a deeply personal one, I don't think we have to go it alone. Through exploring life together I know we can learn more and make the whole experience more enjoyable.

If you're looking for resources and spaces to explore then please do have a look at some of the options below...

• Instagram - Daily Notes
• YouTube - Weekly Videos
• Podcast - Conversations

That's it from me for now, thank you so much for reading, I do hope it was helpful. Take care and happy exploring.

Paul

If you'd like to email me please use [email protected]